Musings | July 24, 2021

Crystal Lake |

 I'm so melancholy lately. I know a lot of people think of the 4th as the middle-marker of summer, but for me, it's my birthday at the end of the month. And not only do I get wrapped up in the feelings that my life is briskly passing me by, things like markers and crayons come out in big bins at the grocery store to remind us that fall is on it's way too. I walked through Home Goods yesterday and they had Halloween decor out by the front door. My heart started beating fast and not in a happy excited way. It feels like the universe whispering "everything you love? Yeah, it's fleeting."

Do you ever find that it's hard to enjoy something really great because the magnificence heightens the fear of losing it? I do. Contentment is so elusive. I feel like I'm living such good years right now with my own relative youth, and Duke at this wonderful companionable age that is also deliciously independent. We enjoy each other company so easily and enjoy a lot of the same things together. I don't know how long this gets to last, but I'm wracked with knowing someday it won't be like this and I'll miss it. Someday I'll look back in my rearview mirror and he won't be there in the backseat. I would literally do anything to pause my life today and stay here forever. 

July 2021. 32 and 4. Waking up, packing lunches, filling the weekends with sitting on the beach and sharing can after can of sandy La Croix. Listening to Dolly Parton and feeling his warm, heavy body next to mine when he finally falls asleep at night. His sweet little boy voice and this sweet pocket of life while he's not yet embarrassed to shout "Mama, I love you!" across the playground. This forever. I'd do anything. 

I remember asking my Opa once, what the best part of his life was. He said "when the kids were little" and I get it now. 

Is there more? I hope so. And I guess the reality is I'll find out either way. 

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