Musings | I See the Light

After January, which I think we can all agree lasts at least six months, I'm always surprised by how quickly the spring months go. Which is so stupid, because haven't I lived through 34 springs? This is my first rodeo, I lie to myself. I have a job that becomes...like, just completely bonkers...each spring and after nine "tent seasons" I still manage to be surprised by how much it consumes me. I'm so distracted by the busy-ness, it's sort of hard to look around. 

It's not just the weather or the time of year, although that is where I usually like place my focus, probably because it's not emotional. I can wax nostalgic on the passing of a complete month (April) that I didn't even notice and casually throw out a "well damn, where'd Q2 go?!" But you know what is emotional? Duke getting older. 

I read this funny article that would have resonated with me so much, and so laughably at one time. But this time it made me a little sad because it was nostalgic rather than resonate. I read it and slowly realized this isn't me anymore. I don't have a baby anymore. I don't even have a toddler. I'm not sad about that - I frankly did not enjoy the baby years and the "kid" stage is so much easier and so much more fun (sometimes he even sleeps now!). What bothers me is that it's over and in the past, and I guess it just feels so final. Anyway, I closed the article midway through reading it. It's so stupid - I don't event want that anymore! So why does it make me so emotional? I think I just hate finality. I have a hard time being happy with now. I'm always looking back or forward, I guess. 

Maybe that's the thing - it's embarrassing to admit, but it's not just sadness about Duke getting older, but more -- hm, maybe wistfulness -- that I'm also getting older? I hate when young people say they're old. I think it's stupid and attention grabby. I'm turning 35 later this summer and that's not old, right - it would be silly to suggest that it is. But I think it's the small and incremental identity shifts that build up until one day I finally notice it. I'm not a "young" mom anymore - as in, I'm not new to the position and for sure, this one ain't my first rodeo at all. But I used to be and it feels like I haven't noticed the small changes that have delivered me from this stage. One day I just woke up and I wasn't who I thought I was anymore. It's kind of like how, in the spring, I drive home from work everyday at 5pm, and even though I know the sun starts setting later and later every day, one day I'll be driving and the sun will be glaring in my eye because it's still light outside and it will surprise me. I don't see increments, but does anyone? 

I read once that we forget, as we're growing up, our parents are growing older. When I was a kid, I had no empathy for my mother who was surely becoming new and different versions of herself as much as my siblings and I were. Perhaps I am noticing the light suddenly in my eye - we don't stop growing up because we've become a grown up. I am somebody I've never been before; I am a somewhat seasoned mom now.  I am a gal in her mid-thirties with lines she's never seen or had to treat before.  I'm 34, almost 35, for the first time in my life. The sun is setting later and later, and it feels so sudden, but it isn't. It isn't sudden at all. 

On a girls trip to Savannah a few weeks ago, we (all in our 30's and 40's) went to a bar with a dance floor and to quote a favorite writer, I felt like "Gandalf at a high school dance." That was the evening I learned that it is trendy to wear white sneakers with dresses. I know because the entire dance floor was glowing under a black light, while my peers and I bopped around in the sandals that were cool ten years ago. I realize now that I'm disconnected but it also bears the question: why would I be connected to what is cool to the freshly turned 21 crowd? 

That said, I have been shopping for new footwear. What can I say? I'm still motivated to be current. When that sun gets in my eye, I do something about it. I pull on my sunglasses (or in this case, take myself shoe shopping). 

***

Shopping break -

Fine. I'll try the Birkenstock trend. 

But also these cheapies for the beach. I just placed an order for these - will report back!

Not sold, but mildly interested. 

For little ones. And Duke has these. Camo, of course. 

For the record, flip flops are to me, as feathered bangs and mom jeans were to the Brendas and Kimberlys that were the mothers of my youth. I can't quit them.