Life Lately | April and May 2023
Time sure flies when you're having fun, right? April and May were fun, and busy, and still came with all the normal laundry doing and the endless dishwasher emptying and so they just sort of blitzed by.
I generally lean towards forced positivity, especially when it comes to summer, but I'm kind of morose about it. Jealous really. When I hear the phrase "lazy summer" or "dog days of summer" it sounds like a treat for someone else, one that I want badly. But I chose a life and an occupation that consumes me, and is at peak busy-ness during this summer. I feel, I don't know, put upon in some way that it's already June and it feels like I missed April and May entirely. I know the next three months will pass in the same blink and I have these really stupid, selfish feelings of whyyyyyyy?
But one of the many life lessons I've learned in motherhood is that everything is a phase. When Duke was little and I couldn't see past the fog of my new life, I quietly mourned everything I'd lost. Freedom, the ability to finish a book, a life that didn't come with a soundtrack that was either Baby Shark, crying or endless shouts of "Mom! Look! Look at me! Watch me!"
I couldn't see then that those things were mostly temporary. He got older and more independent and I started to retrieve those lost things. And so, similarly, I suspect that this part of my life, the young years when I am consumed with my work and keeping house and remembering to renew my license and return books to the library and get oil changes in a timely manner - is just a phase. A long one, for sure, but not forever. Motherhood taught me that there is often a light at the end of the tunnel. I am optimistic that the "hard work" tunnel is not an endless one and so I keep looking for the slivers of light.
This morning, Duke and I are sitting outside and sharing a bowl of strawberries for breakfast. He's telling me now about how, when we die, maybe we become an animal. I think he's suggesting reincarnation, which is a theory that has fascinated me forever, and I'm especially interested in how he came upon it. This is the bright, sunglasses required light at the end of the tunnel. That baby who took so much, now gives it back with interest. It's really wonderful.
Speaking of being outside, I've been spending my mornings drinking coffee outside, where I murder mosquitos for 30 minutes. It feels a little like attacking a tidal wave with a bucket, but I figure we have to start somewhere. But I can't help thinking that, at 50 odd degrees, it's a little chilly for me in the AM. Isn't it too cold for these assholes?!
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Duke has a little end of the year school project that has him practicing his reading (he just read this sentence over my shoulder - which we both agreed feels very inception-like). His teacher provides a book and when he's ready, he brings it back to school and reads it to his class. These books come in levels - a, b, c, d - and so on, until g. Duke is obsessed with getting to level g. B and c were pretty easy, but d is proving to be challenging. Our current book has the word "chameleon" and "tongue" which I think are tricky, but I'm delighted to have a little reading buddy.
As for me, I'm deep into the works of David Sedaris right now. I've been consuming his essays like snacks, telling myself "I'll clean up dinner after one more essay. I'll go to sleep after just one more." etc etc.
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Yesterday, I planted my deck garden. I dream about a full garden someday, but for now, a few pots on my deck is all I'm willing to commit to. My dogs will try to eat the soil and I'll chase them and their lifted legs away from it all summer, but small propogations make me proud. I think growing food is primal.
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Some nice things lately -
Bonfires, s'mores, sitting on the deck until it's dark, the smell of citronella and sunscreen. Summer is here, baby and we are here for it.
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Dreaming of loooooong, lazy days in the sun. Happy weekending!
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