Turning 35

Well, I turned 35 and it isn't exactly what I thought it would be. 

Case in point: 

What I thought thirty-five would be like: cruising around in my minivan with all my kids. Still dressing "cute" but according to my high school standards. Director of something at work. Eating healthy, drinking fancy, and having all my shit straightened out. Not scared to call a doctors office and schedule my own appointments. Gas tank full. Oil changes on time. More Charlotte than Carrie. Oh, and living in a big city, for sure. 

What thirty-five is actually like: still driving a sedan because I never got around to having a bunch of kids. Still dressing cute, but like, wayyy higher waisted than I was in high school. Director of nothing, work or otherwise. Sometimes eating healthy, wouldn't say no to Boonesfarm at the right point of the night, and absolutely none of my shit is straightened out at all. Scared to call the doctors office (can't I schedule this online?!). Gas tank always empty, but especially when I'm running late for work. Oil changes? Who's she? Not a Carrie or a Charlotte, but a Miranda - always overwhelmed by work or motherhood, but usually both. Oh, and living in actual Bum Fuck Nowhere and loving it. 

Everything changes, but it all still stays the same. 15 years ago, I was bombing around in my VW, calling Ryan after class, drinking cheap liquor and rapping to Missy Elliott. I'm still doing all those things really, but now it's bombing around in my VW with a booster seat in the back, calling Ryan after work, drinking cheap wine, and rapping to Cardi B. 

***

There's something really reassuring about that. I'm still the same, I just got a little older. Birthdays feel a scary because I'm scared of getting older, but it's not all that different after all. When I'm turning 40 in a handful of years, will I still be zooming around in a VW with my music turned up too loud? Probably. My kid will be old enough to sit in the front passenger seat next to me and will probably rap along with me. We'll call Ryan after whatever is consuming my days at that time and life will go on like it always does.